Jealousy, love, desire and trust; What are the experiences of nonmonogamous couples?
Open marriages, a phrase first popularized in 1972, with the publication of “Open Marriage: A New Life Style for Couples,” by Nena and George O’Neill. The book, which focused mostly on emotional openness, became a best seller, most likely because of a concept it introduced in three pages toward the end. “We are not recommending outside sex,” the authors wrote, “but we are not saying that it should be avoided, either.”
In recent years, this concept has garnered increased attention and debate. Traditional notions of marriage have been challenged, leading many to question whether an open marriage could indeed foster greater happiness and fulfillment. This essay explores the complexities and implications of open marriage, examining its potential impact on the happiness and stability of a marital relationship.
This far, probably no one has made the idea of open marriage more accessible than Dan Savage, who coined the word “monogamish” to describe his own relationship status. Savage, an internationally syndicated, podcast-hosting and often-quoted voice on sexual ethics, is gay, married, a father and nonmonogamous. He has used his vast reach to defend consensual nonmonogamy, which Savage says is widely accepted in the male gay community as a choice that can foster a relationship’s longevity, provided all parties involved behave ethically. Some gay men believe that it is easier for them to enter those relationships than heterosexuals, because gay men have had no pre-existing model imposed on them. “I find it more impressive when straight couples are open,” said Logan Ford, 29, who is married and lives in New York. “Gay couples know from the beginning they have to create their own thing.”
Open marriage, characterized by mutual agreement between partners to engage in sexual or romantic relationships outside the primary partnership, presents a departure from conventional monogamous relationships. Proponents argue that open marriages promote honesty, communication, and freedom, thus contributing to a deeper level of trust and intimacy between partners. By allowing individuals to explore their desires and connect with others in a consensual manner, proponents believe that open marriages can lead to greater personal growth and satisfaction.
However, can it lead to happiness and joy? The viability of open marriage as a path to happiness is subject to considerable debate and scrutiny. Critics contend that open marriages may introduce jealousy, insecurity, and emotional turmoil into the relationship, ultimately undermining the foundation of trust and intimacy. The inherent risks of jealousy and emotional attachment to extramarital partners can create conflicts and discord within the primary partnership, potentially eroding marital satisfaction and stability.
To assess the impact of open marriage on happiness, it is essential to consider the unique dynamics and individual experiences within each relationship. Factors such as communication skills, emotional maturity, and compatibility play significant roles in determining the success or failure of an open marriage arrangement. Couples who establish clear boundaries, maintain open communication, and prioritize mutual respect are more likely to navigate the complexities of open marriage successfully and derive happiness from their relationship.
Furthermore, the concept of happiness in marriage is multifaceted and subjective, varying greatly among individuals and couples. While some may find fulfillment and joy in the freedom and exploration afforded by an open marriage, others may prioritize emotional security, exclusivity, and commitment within a monogamous framework. The pursuit of happiness in marriage is deeply personal and influenced by cultural, societal, and individual factors, making it impossible to prescribe a one-size-fits-all approach to relationship dynamics.
Today, technology also imports nonmonogamy into mainstream heterosexual dating life, making the concept more visible and transparent. On the popular dating site OkCupid, couples seeking other partners can link their profiles; users can filter their searches for people who label themselves “nonmonogamous.” The site, an intimate tool in the romantic lives of its users, renders no judgment, and therefore normalizes, institutionally, a practice few people had neutral language for in the past. Among 40-to-50-year-olds who identify themselves as nonmonogamous on OkCupid, 16 percent also announce that they are married, according to the site.
Moreover, societal norms and expectations surrounding monogamy may exert pressure on individuals in open marriages, leading to feelings of guilt, shame, or social stigma.It is no surprise that most conservatives would perceive the concept as a degradation of marriage, of a key foundation of society. But even among progressives, the subject typically provokes a curled lip or a slack jaw. The thought bubble, or expressed thought: How? How could any married person be comfortable with, or encouraging of, a spouse’s extramarital sex? The subject seems offensive to many at some primal level, or at least ridiculously self-indulgent, as if those involved — working, married people, people with children — were indecently preoccupied with sexual adventure instead of channeling their energies toward, say, their children, or composting.
Monogamy is an approach to relationships built on one bright-line rule: no sex with anyone else. Open relationships may sound like the more unfettered choice, but the first thing nonmonogamous couples often do is draw up a list of guidelines: rules about protection, about the number of days a week set aside for dates, about how much information to share. Some spouses do not want to know any details about the other spouse’s extramarital sex, while for others, those stories are a thrilling side benefit of the arrangement.
These rules are often designed to manage jealousy. Most monogamous couples labor to avoid that emotion at all costs; but for the philosophically polyamorous, jealousy presents an opportunity to examine the insecurities that opening a relationships lays bare. Jealousy is not a primal impulse to be trusted because it feels so powerful; it is an emotion worth investigating.
Ultimately, whether an open marriage leads to greater happiness depends on the values, needs, and preferences of the individuals involved. While open marriage may offer certain benefits and opportunities for growth, it also presents inherent challenges and risks that must be carefully considered and navigated. Open communication, mutual respect, and a commitment to shared values and goals are essential ingredients for building a happy and fulfilling marriage, regardless of its structure or arrangement. As society continues to evolve and challenge traditional norms of marriage and relationships, it is essential to approach the concept of open marriage with empathy, understanding, and a recognition of the diverse ways in which individuals seek happiness and fulfillment in their lives.
In recent years, this concept has garnered increased attention and debate. Traditional notions of marriage have been challenged, leading many to question whether an open marriage could indeed foster greater happiness and fulfillment. This essay explores the complexities and implications of open marriage, examining its potential impact on the happiness and stability of a marital relationship.
This far, probably no one has made the idea of open marriage more accessible than Dan Savage, who coined the word “monogamish” to describe his own relationship status. Savage, an internationally syndicated, podcast-hosting and often-quoted voice on sexual ethics, is gay, married, a father and nonmonogamous. He has used his vast reach to defend consensual nonmonogamy, which Savage says is widely accepted in the male gay community as a choice that can foster a relationship’s longevity, provided all parties involved behave ethically. Some gay men believe that it is easier for them to enter those relationships than heterosexuals, because gay men have had no pre-existing model imposed on them. “I find it more impressive when straight couples are open,” said Logan Ford, 29, who is married and lives in New York. “Gay couples know from the beginning they have to create their own thing.”
Open marriage, characterized by mutual agreement between partners to engage in sexual or romantic relationships outside the primary partnership, presents a departure from conventional monogamous relationships. Proponents argue that open marriages promote honesty, communication, and freedom, thus contributing to a deeper level of trust and intimacy between partners. By allowing individuals to explore their desires and connect with others in a consensual manner, proponents believe that open marriages can lead to greater personal growth and satisfaction.
However, can it lead to happiness and joy? The viability of open marriage as a path to happiness is subject to considerable debate and scrutiny. Critics contend that open marriages may introduce jealousy, insecurity, and emotional turmoil into the relationship, ultimately undermining the foundation of trust and intimacy. The inherent risks of jealousy and emotional attachment to extramarital partners can create conflicts and discord within the primary partnership, potentially eroding marital satisfaction and stability.
To assess the impact of open marriage on happiness, it is essential to consider the unique dynamics and individual experiences within each relationship. Factors such as communication skills, emotional maturity, and compatibility play significant roles in determining the success or failure of an open marriage arrangement. Couples who establish clear boundaries, maintain open communication, and prioritize mutual respect are more likely to navigate the complexities of open marriage successfully and derive happiness from their relationship.
Furthermore, the concept of happiness in marriage is multifaceted and subjective, varying greatly among individuals and couples. While some may find fulfillment and joy in the freedom and exploration afforded by an open marriage, others may prioritize emotional security, exclusivity, and commitment within a monogamous framework. The pursuit of happiness in marriage is deeply personal and influenced by cultural, societal, and individual factors, making it impossible to prescribe a one-size-fits-all approach to relationship dynamics.
Today, technology also imports nonmonogamy into mainstream heterosexual dating life, making the concept more visible and transparent. On the popular dating site OkCupid, couples seeking other partners can link their profiles; users can filter their searches for people who label themselves “nonmonogamous.” The site, an intimate tool in the romantic lives of its users, renders no judgment, and therefore normalizes, institutionally, a practice few people had neutral language for in the past. Among 40-to-50-year-olds who identify themselves as nonmonogamous on OkCupid, 16 percent also announce that they are married, according to the site.
Moreover, societal norms and expectations surrounding monogamy may exert pressure on individuals in open marriages, leading to feelings of guilt, shame, or social stigma.It is no surprise that most conservatives would perceive the concept as a degradation of marriage, of a key foundation of society. But even among progressives, the subject typically provokes a curled lip or a slack jaw. The thought bubble, or expressed thought: How? How could any married person be comfortable with, or encouraging of, a spouse’s extramarital sex? The subject seems offensive to many at some primal level, or at least ridiculously self-indulgent, as if those involved — working, married people, people with children — were indecently preoccupied with sexual adventure instead of channeling their energies toward, say, their children, or composting.
Monogamy is an approach to relationships built on one bright-line rule: no sex with anyone else. Open relationships may sound like the more unfettered choice, but the first thing nonmonogamous couples often do is draw up a list of guidelines: rules about protection, about the number of days a week set aside for dates, about how much information to share. Some spouses do not want to know any details about the other spouse’s extramarital sex, while for others, those stories are a thrilling side benefit of the arrangement.
These rules are often designed to manage jealousy. Most monogamous couples labor to avoid that emotion at all costs; but for the philosophically polyamorous, jealousy presents an opportunity to examine the insecurities that opening a relationships lays bare. Jealousy is not a primal impulse to be trusted because it feels so powerful; it is an emotion worth investigating.
Ultimately, whether an open marriage leads to greater happiness depends on the values, needs, and preferences of the individuals involved. While open marriage may offer certain benefits and opportunities for growth, it also presents inherent challenges and risks that must be carefully considered and navigated. Open communication, mutual respect, and a commitment to shared values and goals are essential ingredients for building a happy and fulfilling marriage, regardless of its structure or arrangement. As society continues to evolve and challenge traditional norms of marriage and relationships, it is essential to approach the concept of open marriage with empathy, understanding, and a recognition of the diverse ways in which individuals seek happiness and fulfillment in their lives.
